Because every princess deserves a Marine...

The newest drama with my job: I had to call out sick today because I have no babysitter for my son.  Well, someone made an assumption that I was going to call out based off of a joke made by my other co-worker and "alerted" my boss.  So, at 11, when I texted her to tell her I couldn't work, she tells me that I'm required to find my own coverage. Never, in ANY of the facilities that I've worked at, have I been required to find my own coverage when I've called out sick.

She then tells me, "Well, you knew you were going to call out, so it is your responsibility to find coverage.  I can't work because I have overtime and the other PRNs are working tomorrow. You will have to work." Um...no I don't.  I told you TWO MONTHS AGO that I couldn't work this shift anymore and you've ignored me and continued to schedule me for it! When my mom told me last night that they couldn't watch my son and I needed to find a sitter, my only option was to call out sick because everyone that I trust that I could ask is busy. (One of the girls in our hula group is having a graduation party tonight and they're all dancing.) I can't leave my two year old with just anyone, nor can I leave him alone!

So, there's only one employee that overheard the joking comment (My co-worker was joking that she might call out today because she was tired and when she left this morning said that she'd see me next week...) and so that narrows it down as to who could have "snitched" on me.  The only thing stopping me from going in and punching the woman in the face is the fact that I do love my job (most days) and don't want charges filed against me.

So, after calling the on-site supervisor and letting it ALL spill out, I am waiting for a call back from my corporate supervisor. It has been two months that I've been fighting with this schedule and six months that I've been fighting about the worthless co-worker that I have.  I'm tired of sending e-mails to my lead supervisor and them going nowhere.  I'm tired of having to do twice as much work as everyone else because I actually CARE about how the unit works and everyone else is just taking up space and collecting a paycheck.

I have bent over backwards for my supervisor.  I've come in on a moment's notice and worked 12 hour night shifts, I've come in and covered shifts when people had to be sent home, I've picked up the slack where she won't regarding the other employee because if not, the unit suffers and I'd get reprimanded anyway.  And this is how I'm rewarded? As it stands, I'll probably have to go in to work and leave my son with someone I don't trust, or have my parents take him and cause all kinds of tension in the house...again.  As much as I love this job, it isn't worth this.

I plan on letting it all out when I talk to my corporate supervisor.  I plan on letting her know about the full-time position I was offered and had taken away.  I plan on letting her know about people playing on Facebook when they're not supposed to. I plan on letting her know just how lazy some people are and how many breaks they take and how the rest of us get shafted because we don't smoke. My supervisor has let our ER go to crap and I'm tired of it.  That's MY ER.  It's where I go for emergency treatment.  Where my family goes, where my son goes for treatment.  I won't accept anything but the best for them and I give nothing less than my best.  Why can't everyone else?

I'll update more once I have some resolution.

So, I've never laughed so hard at anything in my life.  "The Rapture."  Really? 

From Religious Tolerance on the Rapture:

Unfortunately, the Bible is ambiguous about exactly when the rapture will occur. Most believers in the rapture suggest that it will happen just before the expected seven-year Tribulation -- a time of great suffering, instability, the devastating War of Armageddon, and the largest genocide that the world has ever seen. Some suggest that it will happen just after the Tribulation when Jesus finally returns to Earth.

So....who was the genius that predicted that the Rapture was supposed to happen yesterday?  Oh wait, they can answer that too.

Harold Camping, President of Family Stations Inc -- a.k.a. Family Radio -- predicted that "we can know from the Bible alone that the date of the rapture of believers would take place on 2011-MAY-21.

His previous estimate was 1994-SEP-06 which appears to have failed. If it had succeeded, it would have been obvious to us all. At that time, some of his followers gathered around dressed in their Sunday best and carrying their Bibles open to the sky, but were disappointed when Jesus was a no-show.

And...how he came to this conclusion:

His reasoning for this new date is as follows:

• "The number 5 ... equals "atonement." 10 is "completeness." 17 means "heaven." 5 x 10 x 17 = 850.
• (850) x (850) = 722,500. This can be interpreted as: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.
• Camping believes that Christ was executed on 33-APR-01. The interval from that date to 2011-APR-01 is exactly 1,978 years.
• 1,978 multiplied by 365.2422 days (the average number of days in each solar year) = 722,449 days.
• Adding 51 days brings the total days since Jesus' execution to: 722,500. This will occur on 2011-MAY-21.

Unfortunately, there is no consensus on the date of Jesus' execution by the Roman occupation army during the first century CE. Dates range from the year 29 to 33. However, if Camping's computational process is correct but is based on the wrong year, then the date for the rapture might have already passed.
Camping said: "Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story. It's the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you're completely saved."

So if he was wrong the first time, WHY BELIEVE HIM AGAIN?  Are people really that stupid? Here, let me multiply and add a whole bunch of numbers together and I'LL tell you when Jesus is coming again.  Who'd believe me?  I'm as devout a follower of God's teaching as most...why wouldn't my prediction be valid?  Dingbat.

Oh wait.  Maybe that's because the book of John, where Jesus tells his disciples he's coming again...HE NEVER LISTS A DATE.

Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.  There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. [John 14:1-3]

Then I saw heaven opened, and a white horse was standing there. Its rider was named Faithful and True, for he judges fairly and wages a righteous war. His eyes were like flames of fire, and on his head were many crowns. A name was written on him that no one understood except himself.  He wore a robe dipped in blood, and his title was the Word of God. The armies of heaven, dressed in the finest of pure white linen, followed him on white horses. From his mouth came a sharp sword to strike down the nations. He will rule them with an iron rod. He will release the fierce wrath of God, the Almighty, like juice flowing from a winepress. On his robe at his thigh was written this title: King of all kings and Lord of all lords. Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, shouting to the vultures flying high in the sky: “Come! Gather together for the great banquet God has prepared. [Revelation 19:11-17]

Good grief is all I have to say. When the time is right, Jesus will come and then we'll know.  Not before.  So why not try to live each day to the fullest and enjoy all the things you've been blessed with already?

Well, it was very quickly brought to my attention that my opinion/presence does not bear much weight in this household at all.  It just seems that the past three years of my life have been nothing but a beat down.  I just feel stuck, like I'm wading in quicksand with no relief in sight.

Seriously, basically thrown away by my "husband" and forced to give birth alone, then treated like the red-headed stepchild in my family just put the icing onto the cake. (Ironically, I am kind of a red-headed stepchild...) The only bright spot in my life is my son.  Knowing that he loves me is really the only thing that keeps me going anymore. While I love my job, what it's become is just depressing and sad.

Let's not even get into the home life. That in itself, is just non-existent.  I seriously feel like Cinderella waiting for her prince to show up...except I can't help but wonder if I won't push him away.  After all, I am still tied down to the moron I was dumb enough to marry and I'm just STUCK. I can only hope that I can be freed from the binds of matrimony sometime soon. (I have a feeling, deep down, that it won't end the way I think it will...)

School.....yeah.  I want to apply to a nursing program, but that requires me to get my CNA first.  There's a program here that allows you to get your CNA-I in three weeks, but you either have to do Monday-Friday class/clinicals, or online classes and clinicals all day Saturday and Sunday. Problem is, I've been stuck on this redonkulous Thursday-Saturday night shift for 4 months and I don't seem to be able to get off of it...unless I quit my job.  So again...I'm stuck.

Got my tax return back a few weeks ago...the $3,533 that I was supposed to get?  Yeah, I got $800 of it.  Why, you ask?  Well, because my STAR card needed paid off.  My "husband" was supposed to take care of that...he didn't.  Instead, they withheld my tax return to pay for it.  So there went my nest egg.

I just want to move on with my life! I want to move into a field that I love (I love medicine/helping people get better) and be able to provide for my son without having to depend on someone else for help.  As a nurse, I can easily do that.  I want my own home where I can do what I want and feel free.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a prison and shackled to this depressing house. I want to feel like I'm 28, with my whole life ahead of me instead of constantly feeling defeated and like I'm going nowhere.

I want to be able to post a blog that's not depressing....

This basically sums it up.  It's my third Mother's Day and I must say that for once, it was a semi-decent one.  It didn't help that I had to work a 12 hour night shift last night and then go wait to pick up my mother's gift. (I got her an Edible Arrangement)  So I got home about 9am and promptly went to sleep.  Yeah, last night kicked my butt.

I was woken up at noon by my mom, wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. She gave me a gift bag with a Target gift card in it and a card (signed by my son) and asked if I wanted to go to the beach with them, but I was still tired, so I told her I wanted to sleep some more but I'd try to come out there.  Yeah, didn't happen...but I have no one to blame but myself. By the time they got home, my little man was out for the count. So I really didn't get to spend the day with anyone and didn't get any dinner, but at least people remembered me this year.

All in all, I can't complain.  My phone has been ringing off the hook from my friends all wishing me a Happy Mother's Day...some that I haven't talked to in almost forever either. It warms my heart because lately I've been feeling like I just exist and people can't even see me. At least I know I'm not as alone as I've been feeling lately.

But in all honesty, I think that's feeling is because things are about to rapidly change for me here soon. Along with this feeling of total isolation I have, I've also been feeling really excited...I can't explain why, but it's definitely there. I will also admit that I have baby fever. Every time I hold a baby, I get this pull in my belly that tells me I'm ready for number two.

Shoot, Thursday night at work, I adopted a baby for a half hour.  It was an infant that we treated in the ER along with her older sister. Mom had to run to the pharmacy and asked if she could leave the baby there and then pick her up as she left to go home.  No problem. So I got nominated to watch the baby.  So we set her carrier on the floor and I was telling everyone to watch out for my baby and not step on her.  Funny thing is, this kid honestly looked like she could have been my daughter. It threw a few people for a loop because they thought I really had brought my kid to work with me. LOL. The whole experience just made me want one of my own.

Unfortunately though, I have to remedy my marital situation first.  Can't get pregnant while still married to a man that I have no earthly desire to see again...you know? Plus, I'm ultra traditional in the fact that I won't have a child unless I'm married to their father. So....you see my dilemma. Now, I have a man that's more than willing to give me at least 3 more children, but unfortunately, both of our hands are tied because I'm still legally married.

Anyway, I ramble. I'll be back tomorrow to update more, since the "exciting events" in my life are never ending.

But is it really? I mean, when you sink to the point that you feel you have to steal food from a sick 2 year old...I think you've far bypassed that "family" boundary.  I've had so many things stolen from me lately that it's really unreal.  I try not to be petty about it, but seriously, how much is enough?

And then, to top it off, I get absolutely NO support from my parents about this. Of course, I'm in the wrong for being upset about someone eating my son's lunch for him...because it's just food.  It's not just food, it's the principle. It's my hard-earned money going towards buying my son (and myself) the food and I don't appreciate being forced to share.  No one really would, correct?

I seriously feel that I'm at the end of my rope.  Every day, I just retreat more and more within myself, not socializing with anyone. What's the point in trying when it seems like you're constantly being pushed aside? 

The other day, I tried to go shopping at the commissary with my mom and the entire time, she was on the phone. As soon as one call would end, another would begin. I seriously want to break the stupid phone. I can't ever carry on a conversation with my own mother because she's always on the phone trying to solve everyone else's problems.

That isolated feeling? Yeah...it just grows and grows more each day. *sigh*

How often do you sit around and really try to get to know yourself?  I never really thought about it until that day, three years ago, when my world was turned upside down and everything I knew was suddenly gone.  I was about to give birth to my first child, and completely alone.  I didn't have anything to stand on, I realized, because in the 5 years that my husband and I had been together, I had completely lost sight of who I was and had become so focused on being his perfect wife.

I had a few hobbies, but nothing that I really could say I enjoyed.  Sure, I had the forum, but that really was it.  I had nothing else.  Three years later, I find myself at that same point.  My true friends have stuck by me through all of this, but I've had quite a few fairweather friends come and go too.  I used to be a woman that loved to write, dabbled in drawing (bridges are my specialty), loved to read, and of course computers and video games.

Now, I don't really do anything except work, clean, and take care of my son.  I used to do graphic design, but up until the past few days, I couldn't even tell you when the last time I opened Photoshop was....good question.  I've let myself get so caught up in everything that I lost sight of who I was...again.

I've decided not to do that.  That's the main reason I started this blog.  Well, that and to have a place where I can just let it all out.  I can't use Facebook for that...my family and my in-laws are on there and it's too much of a hassle to make it so they can't see it.  Can't use the board or Plurk...no one there really seems to care.  So, I've settled on this. Whether or not people read it is no longer a concern to me, I just want a place where I can be free to basically splash my word vomit and feel comfortable doing it.

I may even get froggy enough to continue working on the book I started all the way back in 8th grade.  Yeah, I still have the drafts and the idea.  I've gotta finish the other projects I've started first though.  Then it's back to restoring me.  I miss me.

Where to even begin? Work, home, friends...it's all changed.

My son is great. He's 2 and a half (3 in August) and every day, he amazes me with something new. The vocabulary he has is just astounding.  Not only that, but he absolutely LOVES Nick Jr. and can recite, almost verbatim, the songs on the shows.  His favorite, by far, is Ni Hao Kai-Lan. It makes shopping easier because I can find Kai-Lan stuff at Walmart.  Little Einsteins though, will always be a classic for him...which makes me happy.  Anyway, enough about my baby.  I'm a proud mommy, I will admit it. Who isn't?

My job is...meh. I absolutely LOVE what I do and love where I work.  The management, I could pass on.  My boss is basically just someone that takes up space.  We've been "fighting" for two months over a position that was offered to me that, come to find out, apparently wasn't available to offer.  So now that I've called her out on it (repeatedly), I've decided to take it to higher management.  Of course, they also have copies of all of the correspondence between us and can see how each time, the story is different.  I feel betrayed, lied to, and discouraged all because of this.

The main issue is that two of our clerks are/were out on maternity leave.  The first one is the one whose shift I'm currently covering.  I work every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday NIGHT.  Now, this wasn't a problem when she had said she'd be out the required 6 weeks. It was a guaranteed 36 hours and I do enjoy most of the clerks that work those nights.  Well, 6 weeks has turned into 4 months. The girl that was out is now back to full-time status....but covering for the other girl that was out on FMLA, now maternity leave! My parents are at the point where they're tired of having to give up every weekend to babysit and I just can't afford to pay for a babysitter 7 days a week. (Keola goes to pre-school during the week and I work weekends.)

So I ask my boss when the person I'm covering for is coming back to her shift and am told that "she hasn't been cleared to come back to full-time yet." But yet...she's working full-time hours?  Yeah, don't believe that one. So I call her out on that.  Then I get a bunch of nonsense excuses until the month started and then what could I do?  I did make it known though, that I could not continue this schedule anymore.  So May's schedule comes out...same thing.  So I send another e-mail explaining AGAIN that I no longer can cover this shift and ask again when I am supposed to start my full-time shift.  Yeah...I'm done.

Add to that, we have a third employee that is the biggest waste of space that I've ever seen.  She does absolutely nothing and we've been trying (in vain) to get this woman fired for 6 months.  When asked, we get "we're trying to build a file and get her out of here."  Really? It takes 6 months to build a file on someone that is obviously TRYING to get fired? Are you that freaking stupid? Wait, you are...because you're on vacation with the employee in question...yeah, didn't think I'd notice, huh?  Facebook is awesome like that.  Now I'm ready to fight.

As far as the love life...things are good, but they're kind of stalled too.  And the biggest reason for that is me. I NEED to get on the ball and get the divorce started.  There's a lot to do with that too.  I have to get car insurance quotes, health insurance quotes, research child support laws, and above all, find a lawyer and meet with them.  The divorce itself will be a piece of cake being that we've been separated for almost 3 years, but I may or may not have a child custody battle on my hands.  I'm praying I won't, but you never know.  I have time, seeing as how I can't file for divorce until he comes home (which I have NO clue when that will be)....but things are going to drastically change for me.  I don't see myself rushing to the altar to get married again as soon as my divorce is final, but I will be able to date my marine without worrying about him getting into trouble for being with me.  It's bittersweet in that I will be able to move on, but scary in that everything I knew will be gone.  The final chapter will be finished and the door closed. I think I'm ready though.

Oh yeah...friends.  Basically, I have almost none. Somehow, I've done something that has pushed away people that I used to be close to away.  A lot of it has to do with my internet hiatus, I think, but I don't know for sure.  Nothing hurts worse than to find that people you were close friends with have suddenly deleted you from everything without even an explanation.  And it wasn't just one person, it was two with a third acquaintance added.  I can't help but think it's because of said acquaintance that people feel they can no longer be my friend, but I haven't done anything to offend said acquaintance either.  I know it seems trivial and petty, but these were people that I confided everything in.  People that I poured my heart out to, people I TRUSTED.  And then to suddenly be thrown away like I'm trash...it doesn't feel good at all. I'm seriously on the verge of tears every time I think about it and I'm sitting here, racking my brain trying to figure out what it was that I did to cause this. But then, that survivor part of me tells me to move on, apparently they weren't that great of friends to begin with.

And while I could do that, it doesn't help that the websites I used to connect people on suddenly feel out of reach.  I have been trying to get back into the swing of things, but it seems like a futile effort.  I try to post about serious things, life, jokes...nothing gets a response anymore. I try not to post about things that I know will make people uncomfortable (like my sex life) because I don't like to be a bother to people. So really, where do I go?

Basically, I just need lots of prayers now.  Prayers that my divorce will go smoothly, child custody even smoother (I want full custody like I have now), and that my relationship will be able to progress like we had talked about...there's so much up in the air, things I haven't even touched on...but I figure that by now, people are tired of reading and hearing me whine.  So I'll end this post here and hope that the next one is much happier...

Well, I've decided to start a blog.  After some long time thinking, I realized that I need a way to just get things out.  I've got a lot to deal with and no one to share it with.  At least this, I'm hoping, will be a platform in which I can just release everything that I keep pent up inside me.

That being said....here goes.