I've had a lot of time to think lately about who I really am. The sad thing though is that I really don't know.
I can label myself as a mother. And yes, I am, but not quite the way I want to be. Being stuck at home living with my parents, there are a LOT of compromises that I have to make when it comes to anything...including my son. Now, if it's something I feel strongly about, I will stand up until I get my way. But it shouldn't have to be that way.
I'm not going to lie, I WISH that I could get pregnant again. I envy happily married people that have the freedom to get pregnant whenever they want and have no worries. I have baby fever, and now that Keola is almost 3, I want my little girl. I think that knowing I have to wait and for an unknown amount of time is what's hitting me hard too.
Wife. I laugh at this term. Yeah, legally I'm still a wife. Have been for 5 years. I couldn't even tell you the last time I talked to my "husband." Yes, I plan on filing an ending this charade, but I'm forced to wait until he comes home from deployment #4.
I don't really have any hobbies anymore because it seems like all my time is divided between work, cleaning up after everyone else, and my son. The sad thing is that my son seems to be the last peg on that totem pole. I don't get to spend near as much time with him as I'd like because of my obnoxious work schedule. I spend absolutely no time with me either, so I can't get too upset, I guess.
And before you mention it, I know I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be? Am I going to get meds? No. My rationale is because the surrounding conditions that are exacerbating the depression aren't changing, so why get meds to cover up the way I feel? Maybe, in time, I'll change my mind, but right now...I just don't see the point.
So if I really sit down and think about it, how can I label myself? Mommy....yeah. I suppose in time things will change. That's about it. I really have nothing else.
I can label myself as a mother. And yes, I am, but not quite the way I want to be. Being stuck at home living with my parents, there are a LOT of compromises that I have to make when it comes to anything...including my son. Now, if it's something I feel strongly about, I will stand up until I get my way. But it shouldn't have to be that way.
I'm not going to lie, I WISH that I could get pregnant again. I envy happily married people that have the freedom to get pregnant whenever they want and have no worries. I have baby fever, and now that Keola is almost 3, I want my little girl. I think that knowing I have to wait and for an unknown amount of time is what's hitting me hard too.
Wife. I laugh at this term. Yeah, legally I'm still a wife. Have been for 5 years. I couldn't even tell you the last time I talked to my "husband." Yes, I plan on filing an ending this charade, but I'm forced to wait until he comes home from deployment #4.
I don't really have any hobbies anymore because it seems like all my time is divided between work, cleaning up after everyone else, and my son. The sad thing is that my son seems to be the last peg on that totem pole. I don't get to spend near as much time with him as I'd like because of my obnoxious work schedule. I spend absolutely no time with me either, so I can't get too upset, I guess.
And before you mention it, I know I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be? Am I going to get meds? No. My rationale is because the surrounding conditions that are exacerbating the depression aren't changing, so why get meds to cover up the way I feel? Maybe, in time, I'll change my mind, but right now...I just don't see the point.
So if I really sit down and think about it, how can I label myself? Mommy....yeah. I suppose in time things will change. That's about it. I really have nothing else.
0 comments:
Post a Comment